There are books and then there are books that might save your ass. This pocket sized book – The worst-case scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex is the shit.
Perfect for the limited attention span generation, this book comes with…. wait for it, pictures, yes pictures to assist you with your speedy get ready for the weekend reading. Better hurry its 724 already…
We will start with the first and foremost thing you need to figure out, your preference of gender when it comes to a date. In these fine times things which might seem like the real deal, are well not necessairily the real deal. So when you are heading to that special place you need to pay a little bit of attention to the derrière of your beaux. If the proportions are a little suspect, pay further attention post haste before you start guzzling those lovely chilled bottles of your beloved brew. A few bottles down and beer vision just might take over and those hard edges will soften, pimples might dissapear, horses might start looking like unicorns and well…. you get the picture.
In case you are flying solo and are planning on hitting the bars, let me save you the trouble of reading anything further, it boils down to a game of numbers. Yes, the more potentials you hit on the higher your chances of success. Do not take my word for it, tonight go on out there and try and strike up a conversation with some strangers, use your common sence and aviod the obvious hopeless cases. Keep your eyes open, trying and figuring out the fake ones are another game altogether.
Now cut to a really happy situation where you are getting some and have to get butt nacked pronto. The worst possible thing happens, your zipper is stuck. Yes, with this book in your memory bank this is no biggie (actually the worst possible case would be if you were to get your dick in your zipper, the only thing i can say is, you my friend have by some twist of fate reached a very fucked up place to be.)
Now cut to an even happier situation where you have reached the point of I dont really give a fuck anymore, all I care about is to get soooooo fucking high, till your mind goes beyond fucking numb. It just packs up and you have passed the fuck out, you have reached a state of bliss, just hope to dear god that your date has read this book and knows the go drill.
The final level of this game one would figure, if you were actually reach a situation of getting some. Congratulations, but if you really are a curious observer and just want to know if your partner in the sack is faking it or not…
Happy weekend bitches.
To this playing in the background.