We are an underground book store so in terms of being closer to hell, well we are. Over the past 5 years we have had many wonderful experiences and for the ones that have not been so nice, this piece is meant for you people – just so that you know what is coming your way. Be very afraid, and change for the better before you go through one of the Nine circles of bookseller hell…
First Circle (Limbo – no you do not get to do a funky dance with a horizontal pole, seriously)
Assholes that come to the store order for books and never turn up to pick up the books. You are to be banished in a second grade heaven for perpetuity.
Second Circle (Lust)
Assholes who select books and say “keep this for me – i’ll be back”. May you be blown from place to place (by strong winds)and never find rest. The strong wind does not mean you are going to be able to fly due to your gas issues, neither does you getting blown mean you are going to, well get head. (FYI) Fret not you are in good company – Cleopatra & Helen of Troy are probably going to be a part of your entourage.
Third Circle (Gluttony)
People who buy really fat books which no one ever really reads Complete Shakespeare (hardbound) Adam Smith’s wealth of nations. (lit students and econ 101 students exempt)
Cerberus is going to be watching your gluttonous ass while it lies in a vile slush that is constantly replenished with icy rain. No it is not going to be flavoured and give you a brain freeze, you are supposed to suffer DAMMIT.
Fourth Circle (Greed)
Collectors of books like Sudden, who are anal retentive keep sending spreadsheets and yearly christmas greetings. (Aaaaaaaaaa)
Pluto is going to be watching over your greedy ass (no not the cute disney doggie woggiee wooff wooff, the greek ruler of the underworld – oh yeah, no less.)
You are going to be using a heavyweight as a weapon by pushing it with your chest – be expecting hellish haemorrhoids. Most of your religious leaders are going to be there giving you company here.
Fifth Circle (Anger)
People who have serious chemical imbalance issues. There was this one dude who had the cheek to take the library register and write some shit in it, as our man was too slow – a retired gentleman who was well a little slow. Then when he turns up after eons… asks tore start his membership and when I show his writing “this is the deal” he starts balling out saying he is going to close the store down within 24 hours – our retort “please put us out of our misery”
Phlegyas is going to be having a watchful eye over you when he is riding his speed boat on the Styx while your angry ass is going to be fighting others while you are gurgling underwater. Buuyeah!
Sixth Circle (Heresy)
People who walk in and say something like Chethan Bhagat is da shit, not Chetan Bhagat is shit.
Nothing less than eternity in flaming tombs for ye heretics.
Seventh Circle (Violence)
We had a regular who used to come on Sundays a little pissed (no issues with that) but on one Sunday which happened to be a new recruits first day, he proceeds to passed the fuck out in the SF section. Then was threatening to use force while being asked to leave the store.
The Seventh Circle of Hell is divided into three rings.
You face a choice of
1. Sinking into a river of boiling blood and fire – you are going to burn baby, yeah.
2. You become a tree or a bush fed upon by herpies. (you do not getto choose which type)
3. You get to be torn to pieces by hell hounds.
4. You get an eternal shower of burning rain while you get to tan of your touché in a bloody hot desert, in hell literally.
Eight Circle (Fraud)
Customers trying to palm off multiple copies of religious books(which are complementary to begin with)
You get a choice of 10 levels depending on your stupidity (does it say in bold – COMPLEMENTARY – you get the worst level).
Ninth Circle (Treachery)
This final level is divided into four sections depending on the level of treachery.
The worse the treachery, the deeper they are to be frozen in an icy lake, relax you can have the last laugh, you might be in hell but you can just chill the fuck out.
1. Mentioning the FuckKart name.
2. Comparing prices with online prices.
3. Mentioning the Amagonakilltheretailindustryzon.com
4. Comparing prices with other stores.
Disclaimer: No customers were hurt in the writing of this article (not yet heheh)
Disclaimer: Any similarities to the suffering of the banished Dante and a book seller are purely coincidental – we sometimes feel like pariahs of society because of incidents like the above mentioned acts.
Disclaimer: Fuckin Dan Brown has plagiarized the divine comedy so why not a lowly book seller? Right? 🙂